sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-07-04 03:13 pm

I feel shitty--

 --oh so shitty 
so shitty and shitty and... 
gay? 

lol. 

I may have fucked up some serious bznz. Or not. 

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing. 

Maybe I'm rightfully worrying. 

I have no idea. 

I seem eternally unable to adult. Of all the lines in that email that I got WHILE ON VACATION, I missed the important one about having to clock in an extra day in addition to the two training days each week during the training period. 

So of course I sent an email today, to clarify the situation. 

BUT LIKE...YOU REALIZE HOW BAD THAT LOOKS??? 

This email was sent in MAY. MID MAY. 

AND I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS SMALL, IMPORTANT DETAIL UNTIL A MONTH AND A HALF LATER. 

I could shoot myself right now, I'm so upset. (Okay no I wouldn't, but like do you understand the degree of frustration I'm feeling right now like it's huge, ok.) 

So now I'm worrying that I've already made a hugely poor impression for them to judge. 

I swear I'm not usually a wreck. I promise I'll work hard. 

U G H . . . 

I hate having to be serious and adult and just be so SERIOUS. 

Why can't adult life be less serious? Why does everyone have to be so SERIOUS. I'm not saying that I want to go through life care free and not caring about anything and being generally a waste of oxygen. I just mean like 

Mistakes should be okay to make. People shouldn't judge you or chew you out for them. 

And yet, I've grown up believing that mistakes are BAD and they're a sign of FAILURE and show that you're NOT PREPARED and ILL EQUIPPED and NOT CAPABLE. 

But we're all HUMAN. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. 

Why can't adults understand this? 

Now I'm just constantly living in fear of screw ups. No matter how small. Every small fault is a potential disaster. Every small mistake is something I could have worked to avoid. 

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!! 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-07-04 02:06 pm
Entry tags:

testing (again...x2)

 IFTTT hasn't been crossposting my dreamwidth posts it seems...sighs 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-07-02 03:27 pm

Salty.

Lately I've been feeling really salty about a lot of things (lol). 

Well, then again, I'm almost always salty and/or complaining about something of some sort if I'm posting here on dw anyway...hence why my icon for posts here will pretty much always be that moody gakuran!Yamato (lol). Ahh well, it should be fine, right...we all need a place where we can let off steam and let out our thoughts freely...right? 

There's too much to write about all the salt I'm feeling, in addition to all the worries I'm having about real life things (classes, practicum, basically everything in my life...) so I won't actually be saying anything...for now anyway. But yeah. I'm feeling pretty salty. About lots of things. 

...yeah. 

snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-06-25 04:56 pm

Getting political (lol).

a;kdf;askdf;asdjfa;sdfjsjdf
 
I was gonna post this on my Facebook but then realized if I did, a whole army of "Bernie or Bust" friends would just attack me and burn me at the stake... And honestly I'm not well versed enough in political matters to be able to put up any sort of fight. Plus, I suck at debating in general.
 
...so I ran away to post this here on dreamwidth instead (lol)
 
the rant that surely would have all my Bernie friends wanting to murder me... )

So...yeah. That's my two cents on the election (lol). 

snz. /o-o/
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-06-08 02:58 pm
Entry tags:

Sucks to suck.

Why is family so absurdly difficult to deal with... Yesterday I got blasted by my cousin for ranting to him about the problems that arise in my family because of planning for his wedding and stupid fucking wedding party bonding via Tough Mudder event. Today I got blasted by my own mother for apparently not feeling enough responsibility about how much money my entire existence wastes. Thanks, mom. How about I just go jump off the tallest building in Houston now then? Hm? Then I wouldn't be wasting so much of your money then, huh. Anyway. More under the cut.

Warning: Long rant ahead. Apologies in advance. )

I really need to move out from this place soon. It sucks because I'd hate to live alone, but I just can't stay here any longer. It's toxic and my mind is cracking. 

I hope any of you who actually read my posts at least have it slightly better with their family than I do. And if you don't, then just know that eventually, this too will come to pass. (Not by death, but just..the worse moments with family will pass and arise to less shitty moments.) 

snz. /o-o/. 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-06-05 03:59 pm
Entry tags:

Needlessly apologetic.

I dunno about most people, but oftentimes when talking with friends, I feel the need to constantly apologize for my behavior, what I'm talking about, and/or how much I'm speaking.

Anyone else have this kind of problem? )  

No one should ever feel the need to constantly apologize for what they're saying, I think. I always try to respect the other person who's speaking, and listen attentively so that they can feel that I'm listening and really care. I honestly would never want someone to feel the same sort of...pain? as I feel when I feel like apologizing for speaking. 

So...yeah. Try not to browse Facebook when your friend's talking, folks. And try to interact with your friend's conversation more...a lack of response and eye contact has more impact than you may think! 

snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-06-02 03:21 pm
Entry tags:

Rain.

Hello, to whoever bothers reading these (lol). 

rain, rain, go away (come again another day) )

Eventually today I'll finally clean up my desk and my room...and start on the vacation journal I never finished...(lol) OTL

snz. /o-o/ 

sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-06-01 04:11 pm
Entry tags:

Moods.

 I just wrote out a crap ton of shit and then it all vanished because I accidentally hit the back button on the page. 

Fucking hell. 

Not even the world wants to let me vent properly. 

Guess I'll try to remember what I wrote...

ugh. )

Lol I guess I'll leave it at that =_=; 

snz. /o-o/ 

sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-04-29 06:22 pm

Kouhai.

 Drags hands down face what do I DO about this CHILD...!!!!! 

Why has this persisted for sO L O N G-- )

Holds head in hands. I really don't know where I was going with this anymore. Basically this child is not good for my health..!!!!

snz. /o-o/
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-04-19 01:58 am

強くなれ

  1. It reads "tsuyokunare," and means "be strong." 
  2. According to Google, it means specifically "BE STRONG" (lol) 
  3. I originally learned this phrase through this Tenimyu song--the melody caught me first, but then the lyrics stuck with me.   
  4. Then along came Haikyuu!!, and I fell absolutely in love with the OST track that holds this exact name. 
  5. Somewhere along the way, the phrase became somewhat of a personal motto...a reminder that I have to be strong for myself, that I can't always rely on others in difficult times, that I gotta fight for myself. 
snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (gakuran)
2016-04-18 03:08 am

Friendship.

At the expense of sounding like a moody teenager:

In recent years, the surprising fragility of previously believed to be unbreakable friendships has always surprised me.

I know I sound naiive but hear me out. )

Well. That was thoroughly more depressing than I intended (lol). Time to continue my procrastination and read more iwaoi fluff until I fall asleep I guess...

snz. /o-o/
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-04-06 05:13 pm

Recently,

due to that one evening's eventful conversation, my mind has been....disturbed.  

So, the past days and evenings have been spent consuming a lot of anime and manga, and the past few days where I drove have been spent listening to Hosoyan's solo song thing in Fire Emblem: Fates to take my mind off things. 

I finished watching Divine Gate, and am nearing the end of Kamisama Hajimemashita Season 2. I caught up on the last 7? 10? chapters of a josei manga I've been following, finished a different 15 chapter one, and went back to reread bits and pieces of Usagi Drop. And after finishing Kamisama Hajimemashita I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go binge on the other shoujo series I've been neglecting.................... 

o(--< 

But going back to the song real quick. 

MAN IS IT NICE. 

If you like soft, deep voices, then this is a really great, soothing song to listen to.  

It has a somewhat cyclical kind of feel to it, and it's very soft. If it didn't have the slight tinge of melancholy to it, it would probably make a fantastic lullaby lol. In fact, I'm determined to hum this to get my child to sleep if I ever have children LMAO. 

...back to class now lol :P 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-04-03 04:28 pm

Perhaps a petty problem.

 I hate being so upset over petty things like this, but then again, that's what this blog was made for--for me to rant about anything and everything on my mind, with no regard other than to remain a decent human being. I.e., I probably sound absurdly petty and whiny on here, but alas. We're all only human. 

Potentially pointless & petty (or perhaps insightful for like-minded individuals) rant under the cut. 

I probably need better friends... )

Okay, not gonna lie, I think I also just...need more real-life friends who share the same interests with me. I recognize that it won't always be a 100% match, but it's really difficult when the only friend you have who's got the closest match in terms of interests is in a different timezone LOL... It's a two hour difference, but it's still a lot. It could be only midnight where she is, but it'll be 2am where I am, and if we talk, I'm losing sleep. 

And it's not as if I don't have other friends. But currently my biggest interest is seiyuu, and there are very, very few people in the English-speaking realm who share that interest (beyond Miyano Mamoru, lol) and who have the capacity and ability to care about you beyond fandom things, and will act on it if need be. 

I'm totally fine with my other friends, don't get me wrong--I love them all. But I guess mostly I feel like I put in a lot with my friendships and don't get a lot out of them. I know I shouldn't expect to, but I have to admit--it's draining. And since I'm going into mental health therapy/counseling for my career, if I can't find a friend who'll put in their all into the friendship as well, I have a bad, bad feeling that I'll burn out from my career very quickly--perhaps even before I manage to get hired (since I'll be working through practicum next fall). 

So...yeah. Where do I find like-minded people to befriend...who are actually chill and not awkward...because history has proven that "Anime Club" is not the answer, lol. 

Also just...does anyone else feel the same way? Or am I really just being too petty, or perhaps even just expecting too much out of the internet? Maybe I'm just not cut out for internet culture? Perhaps I take everything too seriously??? 

snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-04-02 04:34 pm

え!?何!!?

Inspired from a conversation I had with a friend last night, lol. 

なんで )

So. Yeah. That happened. /)////(\ 

//Runs to Rem Arlond (CV. Saitou Souma) for comfort-- 

snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-03-30 05:02 pm

Needy?

 The fact that I've been having so many thoughts that I want to jot down probably means my period is coming up soon, lol. :P 

I'm not being too whiny, am I?  )
Well, since I'm actually in class, I'll leave it at that haha. Time to tune back in to the old droning professor... 

snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (gakuran)
2016-03-29 02:33 pm

Uncertainty in Internet Friends

I should really be reading/writing for my class in 2 hours so this will be quick, lol.

What, me? Sensitive? Whatever made you think that?  )

snz. /o-o/
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-03-28 10:10 pm

External Validation, and Fandom Pains (2/???)

Groups today was...tense...as usual, lol. I'm surprised by how seemingly hurt I feel by some of the comments, to be honest, but there isn't much I can do about it. All I can do is acknowledge that it was an opinion had of me, and to process it and move on with life, I guess. 

Well, that's not what I'm here to talk about today though lol. 

Man, maybe I really am just too sensitive... )
I really hope writing out my thoughts is a good thing rather than a bad thing. I can't help but remember how in freshman year of undergrad, when I used to let out all my thoughts on tumblr, it didn't really do much to help me except let off the in-the-moment steam. It wasn't until I got busier and had to just live life without constantly reflecting on stuff did I really get to enjoy undergrad. I guess we'll just see where this goes, and I'll  simply stop if I begin to see that it's hurting me more than helping me. :P 

snz. /o-o/ 

sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-03-28 03:42 am

Fandom things (1/???)

Didn't think I'd be needing this blog so soon LOL but here we are. 

A quick disclaimer is probably necessary...so:
I am not targeting any specific people. I repeat: I am not targeting anyone in particular! And to my friends who may read this, I most certainly don't hate you if you think you've done anything I mentioned below!!! These are just feelings that have built up a lot over the past few months, but I never quite got to get off my chest, nor explain properly. Or at least, I haven't gotten to explain since their most recent evolution lol...these feelings seem to change every few months. :P 

I think I'm just too sensitive...maybe? )

Well. I ended up with basically an essay LMAO... That'll be enough for now...especially since it's past 3AM and I'm STILL not done with this chapter of note-taking. Ethics isn't the most interesting thing to read about, to be perfectly honest, but it is a necessary thing to learn so I will charge forward...!!! 

snz. /o-o/ 
sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
2016-03-28 12:23 am
Entry tags:

Testing Pt. 2

 Did my recipe work and allow me to tweet whenever I post here?!