It's been a long time since I've last posted here, it feels like, even though it's actually only been a few months (I think).
Lately, I've been feeling a lot of things. I've hated myself, felt fat, felt upset, felt sad, felt immense happiness yet sadness, felt obsessive love, felt exhaustion, and so on. Suddenly, today, I've decided that it's been pretty overwhelming.
I suspect that the reason for this is because I haven't been sleeping much. If it isn't that, then I really don't know what else it could be (lol). If only fixing my sleeping schedule were as easy as flipping a light switch.
I don't really know what thoughts I want to put down here anymore. I opened up this page with several thoughts in mind, but then they suddenly grew exponentially and I don't really even know which ones I should put down here.
All I know really is that I feel like having a good cry, but somehow can't.
so shitty and shitty and...
I may have fucked up some serious bznz. Or not.
Maybe I'm worrying over nothing.
Maybe I'm rightfully worrying.
I have no idea.
I seem eternally unable to adult. Of all the lines in that email that I got WHILE ON VACATION, I missed the important one about having to clock in an extra day in addition to the two training days each week during the training period.
So of course I sent an email today, to clarify the situation.
BUT LIKE...YOU REALIZE HOW BAD THAT LOOKS???
This email was sent in MAY. MID MAY.
AND I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS SMALL, IMPORTANT DETAIL UNTIL A MONTH AND A HALF LATER.
I could shoot myself right now, I'm so upset. (Okay no I wouldn't, but like do you understand the degree of frustration I'm feeling right now like it's huge, ok.)
So now I'm worrying that I've already made a hugely poor impression for them to judge.
I swear I'm not usually a wreck. I promise I'll work hard.
U G H . . .
I hate having to be serious and adult and just be so SERIOUS.
Why can't adult life be less serious? Why does everyone have to be so SERIOUS. I'm not saying that I want to go through life care free and not caring about anything and being generally a waste of oxygen. I just mean like
Mistakes should be okay to make. People shouldn't judge you or chew you out for them.
And yet, I've grown up believing that mistakes are BAD and they're a sign of FAILURE and show that you're NOT PREPARED and ILL EQUIPPED and NOT CAPABLE.
But we're all HUMAN. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
Why can't adults understand this?
Now I'm just constantly living in fear of screw ups. No matter how small. Every small fault is a potential disaster. Every small mistake is something I could have worked to avoid.
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!
Well, then again, I'm almost always salty and/or complaining about something of some sort if I'm posting here on dw anyway...hence why my icon for posts here will pretty much always be that moody gakuran!Yamato (lol). Ahh well, it should be fine, right...we all need a place where we can let off steam and let out our thoughts freely...right?
There's too much to write about all the salt I'm feeling, in addition to all the worries I'm having about real life things (classes, practicum, basically everything in my life...) so I won't actually be saying anything...for now anyway. But yeah. I'm feeling pretty salty. About lots of things.
( Perhaps petty complaints, perhaps thoughtful insight... )
So...yeah. That's my two cents on the election (lol).
...I think I mentioned this in the last post already, actually, but oh well.
I know I'm not the only person on the planet who procrastinates, so sometimes I do wonder...what is it about human nature that makes us prone to procrastination? What makes procrastinators different from non-procrastinators? Is there some sort of underlying gene or characteristic or something that differs us? I'd like to know, I think...not that it'd do anything to fix my bad procrastination habits, though (lol).
I had a cup of milk coffee tea earlier today, but I fell asleep for a bit after eating dinner, so I made another cup now that I've showered and won't be doing anything other than (attempt to) study between now and when I finally give up and go to sleep. We'll see how good it is at keeping me awake, I suppose.
It's too bad that I'm so terrible at motivating myself when it comes to classes...hopefully this exam goes okay regardless, though. The one thing I've always disliked about summer classes is that they're deceptively relaxed in class, and then exam time comes up on you like a ghost you didn't see coming (lol). That's what happened this time, too... Guess I gotta step up my game for the second half of the class, huh.
Well, time to buckle down and try to get more studying done. Wish me luck!
And now, of course, I've hit the point where I'm worried I won't be able to cover everything that I need to study for this exam in enough detail such that I can get away with a B on the exam. T~T
...why do I always do this to myself OTL
Also, posts from both my dw and lj will cross post to tumblr! So, everything can be found there for easier following (lol) :D
...not that anyone really follows my posts, but this is also to make things easier for me to track too :P
Why is family so absurdly difficult to deal with... Yesterday I got blasted by my cousin for ranting to him about the problems that arise in my family because of planning for his wedding and stupid fucking wedding party bonding via Tough Mudder event. Today I got blasted by my own mother for apparently not feeling enough responsibility about how much money my entire existence wastes. Thanks, mom. How about I just go jump off the tallest building in Houston now then? Hm? Then I wouldn't be wasting so much of your money then, huh. Anyway. More under the cut.( Warning: Long rant ahead. Apologies in advance. )
I really need to move out from this place soon. It sucks because I'd hate to live alone, but I just can't stay here any longer. It's toxic and my mind is cracking.
I hope any of you who actually read my posts at least have it slightly better with their family than I do. And if you don't, then just know that eventually, this too will come to pass. (Not by death, but just..the worse moments with family will pass and arise to less shitty moments.)
( Anyone else have this kind of problem? )
No one should ever feel the need to constantly apologize for what they're saying, I think. I always try to respect the other person who's speaking, and listen attentively so that they can feel that I'm listening and really care. I honestly would never want someone to feel the same sort of...pain? as I feel when I feel like apologizing for speaking.
So...yeah. Try not to browse Facebook when your friend's talking, folks. And try to interact with your friend's conversation more...a lack of response and eye contact has more impact than you may think!
- It reads "tsuyokunare," and means "be strong."
- According to Google, it means specifically "BE STRONG" (lol)
- I originally learned this phrase through this Tenimyu song--the melody caught me first, but then the lyrics stuck with me.
- Then along came Haikyuu!!, and I fell absolutely in love with the OST track that holds this exact name.
- Somewhere along the way, the phrase became somewhat of a personal motto...a reminder that I have to be strong for myself, that I can't always rely on others in difficult times, that I gotta fight for myself.
In recent years, the surprising fragility of previously believed to be unbreakable friendships has always surprised me.
( I know I sound naiive but hear me out. )
Well. That was thoroughly more depressing than I intended (lol). Time to continue my procrastination and read more iwaoi fluff until I fall asleep I guess...
But it only has 128 GB of memory, and only 117 GB of that was free LMAO...rip....
For now I've hit a compromise with transferring part of my files into the new laptop and leaving my old one as like...my multimedia storage? lmao
But it's still kind of frustrating, especially since I can't listen to music on my laptop anymore /:
However the exciting(?) thing is that I've for the first time decided to name a piece of technology LOL...at the age of 23 :P
Because it's got a metal shell, it's silver on the outside, so I named it Suga! :D (
Aight well that's all the updates I got for now lol. Later~
So, the past days and evenings have been spent consuming a lot of anime and manga, and the past few days where I drove have been spent listening to Hosoyan's solo song thing in Fire Emblem: Fates to take my mind off things.
I finished watching Divine Gate, and am nearing the end of Kamisama Hajimemashita Season 2. I caught up on the last 7? 10? chapters of a josei manga I've been following, finished a different 15 chapter one, and went back to reread bits and pieces of Usagi Drop. And after finishing Kamisama Hajimemashita I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go binge on the other shoujo series I've been neglecting....................
But going back to the song real quick.
MAN IS IT NICE.
If you like soft, deep voices, then this is a really great, soothing song to listen to.
It has a somewhat cyclical kind of feel to it, and it's very soft. If it didn't have the slight tinge of melancholy to it, it would probably make a fantastic lullaby lol. In fact, I'm determined to hum this to get my child to sleep if I ever have children LMAO.
...back to class now lol :P
Potentially pointless & petty (or perhaps insightful for like-minded individuals) rant under the cut.
( I probably need better friends... )
Okay, not gonna lie, I think I also just...need more real-life friends who share the same interests with me. I recognize that it won't always be a 100% match, but it's really difficult when the only friend you have who's got the closest match in terms of interests is in a different timezone LOL... It's a two hour difference, but it's still a lot. It could be only midnight where she is, but it'll be 2am where I am, and if we talk, I'm losing sleep.
And it's not as if I don't have other friends. But currently my biggest interest is seiyuu, and there are very, very few people in the English-speaking realm who share that interest (beyond Miyano Mamoru, lol) and who have the capacity and ability to care about you beyond fandom things, and will act on it if need be.
I'm totally fine with my other friends, don't get me wrong--I love them all. But I guess mostly I feel like I put in a lot with my friendships and don't get a lot out of them. I know I shouldn't expect to, but I have to admit--it's draining. And since I'm going into mental health therapy/counseling for my career, if I can't find a friend who'll put in their all into the friendship as well, I have a bad, bad feeling that I'll burn out from my career very quickly--perhaps even before I manage to get hired (since I'll be working through practicum next fall).
So...yeah. Where do I find like-minded people to befriend...who are actually chill and not awkward...because history has proven that "Anime Club" is not the answer, lol.
Also just...does anyone else feel the same way? Or am I really just being too petty, or perhaps even just expecting too much out of the internet? Maybe I'm just not cut out for internet culture? Perhaps I take everything too seriously???