Why is family so absurdly difficult to deal with... Yesterday I got blasted by my cousin for ranting to him about the problems that arise in my family because of planning for his wedding and stupid fucking wedding party bonding via Tough Mudder event. Today I got blasted by my own mother for apparently not feeling enough responsibility about how much money my entire existence wastes. Thanks, mom. How about I just go jump off the tallest building in Houston now then? Hm? Then I wouldn't be wasting so much of your money then, huh. Anyway. More under the cut.Gotta love it when your parents blame you for things outside of your control. "It's because of YOUR unknown schedule that we have to spend SO MUCH money on plane tickets! We can't fly in and out on less expensive days! It's all YOUR fault, you know?! DON'T YOU FEEL BAD WHEN YOU WASTE MONEY??! OF COURSE YOU DON'T, BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOURS!!!"
...Yeah because I totally have 0 sense of responsibility??? Just because I'm not the one making money doesn't mean I don't feel bad... And to be honest, with the amount of blaming that happens in my daily life for all the money my life wastes, I almost rather my parents just toss me at the side of the road to get killed by some psychopath murderer. YES I feel guilty for all the money my life consumes. OF COURSE I feel it. I'd be a damn zombie if I didn't!
But also like, how on earth do you expect me to be able to go up to my prac site director, before TRAINING has even begun, and say "Hey, I gotta miss Thursday, Friday, AND Monday less than a month into my practicum schedule. Sound good?" THAT LOOKS REALLY BAD, YOU KNOW?!?! Even worse: "Hey, for my prac schedule, would you mind if I always had Thursdays off early, Fridays off, and Mondays that start late?" I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LAZY SLEAZE IF I ASK FOR THAT.
All I can do is wait for an appropriate moment to kindly inquire about my schedule. But that moment is NOT. NOW.
Even though my mom understands all this, she STILL blames me for wasting money, for not caring about the family's money, and for not caring about the family in general.
Sure makes me even less excited about the prospect of ever marrying. That will only boil down into "FINE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE SO JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE HERE!!!! FINE!!!! YOUR HUSBAND IS SO MUCH BETTER I GET IT!!! YOU HATE ME!!!" (Not even an exaggeration. She's said the same before, except swap out husband with boyfriend or friends.)
I really need to move out from this place soon. It sucks because I'd hate to live alone, but I just can't stay here any longer. It's toxic and my mind is cracking.
I hope any of you who actually read my posts at least have it slightly better with their family than I do. And if you don't, then just know that eventually, this too will come to pass. (Not by death, but just..the worse moments with family will pass and arise to less shitty moments.)