sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)
[personal profile] sneezedesu
I dunno about most people, but oftentimes when talking with friends, I feel the need to constantly apologize for my behavior, what I'm talking about, and/or how much I'm speaking.

I don't really know when began to notice the habit, but at some point, I realized that I was oftentimes being needlessly apologetic whenever in conversation with friends (or really people in general). And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed really...sad.

If you think about it, the reason why someone would constantly apologize for what they're saying, how they're responding, and/or how much they're speaking, is because they've experienced the feeling of shame due to any one of these things multiple times in their lives. And frankly, no one should have to feel sorry for just speaking

For me, I guess my general logic with apologizing is that I always feel like I'm imposing myself and what I want on others, and stealing away the "spotlight" by speaking so much, so I constantly apologize after I speak. Like I said before, I honestly don't know when this habit started, but I could guesstimate that it may have sprouted from being told in middle school by a friend that others around me were calling me bossy and self-centered. From there, it probably grew into a general hypersensitivity to my behavior and how it's perceived by others, extending into how I speak with people. 

Then going into high school, the habit probably became further enforced when one by one, my friends fell out of anime and manga, and I became one of the few left who still enjoyed these things and spoke about it openly. It probably got soliidifed when I got dumped by my then-boyfriend (does he even count as one, TO BE HONEST...) and began to feel like I must be a worthless human being if someone felt the need to toss me aside for someone much cuter, prettier, and generally more of a boy magnet than me (lol). Gotta love that hormonal teen logic. 

Somehow over the years, I never have managed to kick the habit, even after realizing it. And to be honest, I haven't really tried either. I still feel bad whenever I talk a lot. These days, it's one part feeling guilty for talking about things that I know my other friends aren't interested in,  but I just need someone to fangirl to, or for speaking so much about things pertaining to me. The latter I legitimately always feel bad about, because my friends never seem to speak a lot, and I honestly can't tell if it's because they legitimately don't have anything to talk about, or if it's because they think it's futile to even try to speak over my constant rambling. 

I try not to just ramble and take up all the speaking time, but whenever I stop to ask "So what's up in your life?" or whatever, the responses are always short and non-descriptive, as if the other party is unwilling to continue speaking on the matter. And so I just end up trying to think of other things to talk about, and continuing to ramble. 

It's pretty sad, though. To feel the need to constantly be apologetic for one's presence in a conversation, pretty much.  

No one should ever feel the need to constantly apologize for what they're saying, I think. I always try to respect the other person who's speaking, and listen attentively so that they can feel that I'm listening and really care. I honestly would never want someone to feel the same sort of...pain? as I feel when I feel like apologizing for speaking. 

So...yeah. Try not to browse Facebook when your friend's talking, folks. And try to interact with your friend's conversation more...a lack of response and eye contact has more impact than you may think! 

snz. /o-o/ 

p r o f i l e

sneezedesu: gakuran!yamato is best yamato (Default)

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